The Cat and the Fox is a Russian folk tale that people love to listen to, read and...
Both are to blame
Natalya Kozhina, AiF.ru: Elena, there is an opinion that women cheat less often than men, is this true?
Elena Tsedova: Female infidelity is also common, it’s just not customary to talk about it. But a man takes a lover primarily in order to obtain physical pleasure and variety, while a woman satisfies her emotional needs. This is the main difference. You are unlikely to meet a woman who, seeing a handsome male figure on the way to work, immediately decides to cheat on her spouse. But if a man saw long legs, and at the same time their owner smiled at him, he would not mind going to bed with her. For women, everything is closely connected with emotional needs; for them, sex is, first of all, communication.
—What can push a woman into the arms of another man?
— There are several reasons, but the main one is the lack of emotional support from a man. Perhaps the woman lacks a sense of her own attractiveness and importance in the eyes of her husband. At the same time, she may really love him, her family, children, home, but she needs affection, compliments, attention, but her husband does not give them.It happens that a woman not only lacks emotions, she does not need a family. However, she remains married because society puts pressure on her: marriage is once and for life, you have children. And the woman is trying to find some kind of outlet in this situation, because, in essence, everything does not suit her. The only thing that can help her feel happy is the care of another person. Such women in their affairs on the side do not chase enviable lovers, but respond to almost the first person they meet, who captivates her with conversations about the stars and scatters them with compliments.
There are betrayals due to lack of adrenaline. When a woman’s life is fine, but she’s incredibly bored. And suddenly some corporate evening arises, where she drinks a glass of wine and immediately finds herself a hero, next to whom she can feel already forgotten feelings. The most important thing in such betrayal is to hide from someone. This is a kind of quest - “Hide your love from everyone.” The woman lacks game, and she finds it on the side.
In addition, it happens that a man simply does not satisfy a woman in sex, and here we are talking about both the most banal physical dissatisfaction and emotional, but more often both are present.
And some people cheat out of spite. When a wife finds out that her husband has a mistress, she tries in such a strange way to take revenge on him or prove to herself that she can still please men.
From good men They rarely go “to the left”. But by “good” I don’t mean Batman, no. I mean a man who satisfies the emotional needs of his other half.
— It turns out that if a woman cheated, the man is guilty?
- No. In any betrayal, both are to blame. But men are inherently polygamous and, even when married, pay attention to the opposite sex many times more than women when thinking about sex. And a woman, when she finds a man whom she loves and is comfortable with, plunges headlong only into him, letting others pass by. For her, marriage is a kind of status, she values it. Good men rarely leave. But by “good” I don’t mean Batman, no. I mean a man who satisfies the emotional needs of his other half. If a woman is not satisfied physically, she is able to survive this, but if emotionally, then most likely she will look for a relationship on the side. The excuse “I make money and this is my main function that makes her happy” does not work. A woman can understand with her brain that her husband works, she lives in a luxurious house, she has an expensive car, her children study in best schools, but at the same time he will feel very lonely.
Night SMS and eternal time pressure
— How to understand that a woman is cheating?
— A clear sign is the active use of the phone or computer, when at the sound of an SMS she runs headlong to read the message as quickly as possible. Also, if the wife sets passwords on her gadgets, she starts taking her phone with her into the shower under the pretext of an important call, and at night she systematically receives text messages from “Galina the Accountant,” which cannot wait until the morning. This is the first call. The next sign is a radical change of clothes, a change of linen. If earlier the wife wore what was comfortable, then with the advent of her lover she begins to wear what is beautiful. She remembers heels, changes her hairstyle, makeup, and becomes brighter. All this happens because when a woman falls in love, she wants to be beautiful.
I note that a man can easily combine several lovers in his head at once and behave completely calmly. He will not give himself away either in his clothes or in his behavior.
And the woman’s behavior completely changes, because she plunges headlong into a new relationship. She can become either more irritable, or, conversely, as if atonement for her sins, more attentive, tender, and affectionate.
And one more point that is worth paying attention to is a kind of harbinger that the woman is not exactly cheating on you, but she is clearly uncomfortable around you, and perhaps this will further result in an affair on the side. She begins to think of places for herself to go to, this could be not only regular get-togethers with friends, but also a busy schedule. For example, a woman lives, is not particularly interested in anything, but one fine day she takes English courses, cutting and sewing, a gym, dancing, running, etc. She constantly wants to leave home. But, of course, this does not apply to those who truly realize themselves through some hobbies. There should be hobbies, but if they never existed, and then they became more and more numerous, this is a sign that the person’s family is bad. Also, do not ignore the appearance of a large number of new friends who invite you to meetings. This may also indicate that your woman is in search of new emotions. And as they say, he who seeks will always find.
— Do I need to admit to cheating on my husband?
— Everyone makes this decision for themselves. But I can say for sure that it is more difficult for a woman to keep the fact of betrayal to herself; she begins to reproach herself from the inside, even if it was a one-time story. If a man cheated once, he will not worry much about it, he will very quickly forget about such an episode. Remorse can only appear if he has a permanent mistress, since living with several families is very difficult for most men emotionally.
Personally, my advice is not to shift from a sore head to a healthy one, forgive yourself, accept yourself and think carefully before confessing to your husband. The most important thing is to understand what is more important to you: family or your personal peace. If you decide to choose peace of mind, then be prepared for the consequences.
Few men will admit to cheating. For him, this is a humiliation of honor and dignity, so it is better to keep his mouth shut. Women forgive infidelity much easier.
Treason for the good?
— How should a man behave if he thinks that his wife is cheating? Should he challenge the woman to be frank and confess?
- First, honestly answer yourself the question: what will you do if your wife really cheats? You need to play out the entire possible chain of events in your head. She cheated, which means I’m leaving her, we divide the property, the children remain with the wife, etc. If a man is ready to go to the end, then you can find out everything and get to the bottom of the truth. If he understands that he loves his wife and does not want to lose her, there is no need to find out anything. It’s easier to accept the position that it was just flirting, not love, and live happily ever after.
— I’ve heard more than once that cheating can help a fading relationship, but what do you think about this?
- There is some truth in this, indeed, after betrayal and even after some light flirting, it’s as if a woman gets an electric shock, she understands that she has a family, children, a home, everything is fine. This is the same emotional recharge that she so lacked. Yes, a woman needed beautiful words, courtship, affection, but at the moment when she receives all this from another man, the realization comes to her that all this is a myth. A real life with my husband and children. However, feeling some guilt, she may become affectionate, tender and begin to pay more attention to her husband. Accordingly, what will the woman receive in return? Also more attention. Therefore, yes, it really happens that cheating in some sense revives faded marital feelings, but it is better to try to help your marriage using other methods.
A woman values a man by his actions; if actions are directed towards her, she is unlikely to need a pumped-up trainer from a fitness club for one night.
— What do you advise men to do so that their wives do not look for love on the side?
— You need to give a woman emotions, never forget that she needs compliments, attention, care. If you told your wife ten years ago that she has beautiful eyes, this does not mean that now you can never talk about it at all. Give gifts, by “gifts” I don’t mean yachts and fur coats every day, just some little surprises. It is imperative to talk with each other, not only about the problems of the global economy and about the child’s progress at school, but also about your personal, about each other’s experiences, about each other’s desires, to sort out discontent at the stage of their inception, and not when everything is already rushing in an avalanche accusations. Relationships are always an exchange of emotions, reciprocity. The man gave him flowers, the woman prepared him dinner, he gave him evening caresses, she gave him a massage, etc. A woman will not leave an attentive and caring man, because she gets everything she needs from him. A woman values a man by his actions; if his actions are directed towards her, she is unlikely to need a pumped-up trainer from a fitness club for one night.
How to determine if he has someone on his side? Mistresses know this best. We asked women who had relationships with married people. And this is what advice they gave to their wives.
SUDDEN IMPOTENCE
My boyfriend told me that his wife was boring him in bed. “The same thing, continuous fasting, no variety.” No matter how trite it sounds, mistresses are taken for bed pleasures. My Edik did this... I’m sure that when he returned home, he was no longer good for anything. He left everything with me. So if there is less sex in a relationship, in my opinion, this is a warning sign. No matter what you lie about, facts are stubborn things. I am surprised at my wife, who for a long time had no idea about anything, what did she do at night? Maybe they mutually lost interest in each other? This is my advice to wives. Alina, 26 years old
LOOK AT THE THINGS
I had two married lovers. First - creative personality, he was bored with his wife and everyday life (she had just given birth). I was looking for love and admiration on the side, which was missing at home. He spent all his free time with me, including weekends and holidays. The wife was sitting at home with the child. He lied that he was with friends at another art party. She believed that she was some kind of fool not of this world, and he was an egoist. Well, what can I recommend? Do you think that if an artist, then he has only creativity and inspiration on his mind? I saw his inspiration - in bed. I recommend that wives take off their rose-colored glasses and not trust beautiful words. Look at things.
The second is a colleague. He disappeared all the time at work, only coming home to spend the night. He stayed with me at work until late, sometimes we went to his friends’ apartment. He sang to his wife that there was a lot of work and he had to earn money. For some reason, in both the first and second cases, the wives called their husbands very rarely. But in my opinion, if a man suddenly has a lot of work, or something urgent, or needs to stay late, it’s time to check, this leads to suspicion.
Try to give him a “surprise” - drive up suddenly, seemingly by accident, etc. God protects those who are careful (what I mean is that suddenly the husband really works hard). Svetlana, 32 years old
NEW WORDS
I have been on both sides of the barricades: both a mistress and a wife whose husband is “running away”. I had no idea that my husband had someone until my lover gave me the idea. I just started noticing that my new man was picking up words from my vocabulary (I’m a designer), and suddenly I saw the light about my husband: for the last few months he has often talked about law (his work is not related to this) and cooking. At first I thought that these were his new hobbies, but I checked just in case. To the point! The mistress is a lawyer, consults for their company, and in addition is a big fan of homemade baking. And once I watched my lover walking down the street with his wife. So, he tried to walk half a length ahead of his wife, physically increasing the distance. And then I noticed the same thing with mine. Ella, 27 years old
WHY DOES IT FIND UP?
I had three married lovers, all very neat, as if chosen. All have preserved families. We carefully followed the signs - hair, smells, I generally tried not to wear perfume before the date (they asked). I never called them, no text messages. One of them always took me on business trips. The work legend was like this (it had to be covered up in case of surprises): “A work colleague, coordinator of our urgent project, is (will be) traveling with me.” They never punctured. He was very afraid that his wife would find out. When I talked to her on the phone, I ingratiated myself. In my opinion, if a man is ingratiating himself, it’s suspicious, we should look... Lucien, 30 years old
SEARCH AND YOU WILL FIND
Wives, shake the dust off your ears, don't trust your husbands! Everyone lies, but not everyone gets caught. If you recognize yourself not as a wife, but as a Woman, you will quickly understand what’s what. If you suspect something, but there are no facts, look for it. If you find a second SIM card, think about it. If he's late from work, it's time to wander around. He often goes on business trips - even more so. Turn out first aid kits and pockets for condoms, watch what kind of underwear you wear, whether you go to the bathroom before leaving and after... Go to e-mail, ICQ, read telephone transcripts, cell phones, and so on.
Does he shy away when you kiss him after work? Watch out! Hasn't slept with you for more than two weeks? It's time to take action. Why stand on ceremony with a traitor? Smell it, after all, what is your nose for? Don’t waste money on detectives; traces of treason will definitely show up. I say this as an experienced lover; it is impossible to hide fornication for a long time. If you still don't see it, I know for sure that you don't want to see it! It's not good for you to see this! Tamara, 50 years old
RUDE - MEANS HE DOESN'T LOVE
And my lover and I were lucky. His wife didn’t know how to use a computer at all, so we corresponded and made appointments by email. He wrote me such letters... I don’t understand why he didn’t want to leave his wife, he didn’t love her at all. He was so rude on the phone! If your husband is rude to you, you shouldn’t ignore it! I asked: doesn’t my wife guess? He says no, because I satisfy her perfectly at night (he was a real sexual giant). So she loses her vigilance, she thinks, I’m just a natural boor, I’m used to it... So if the husband regularly fulfills his marital duties, it doesn’t mean anything! There may be other symptoms. Anastasia, 28 years old
WHY IS YOU SO HAPPY?
I was the mistress of my friend's husband. Yes, that's such a bastard. But I honestly fell in love, and so did he. There were three children in their family, and we decided not to change anything. But my friend’s behavior still remains a mystery to me (she never found out anything). The fact is that we made a lot of mistakes with him. Well, for example: I loved white lilies, he often gave them to me. And feeling guilty, she feels the same way. So a friend once said to me: “Listen, I can’t understand what’s the matter. I can’t stand white lilies, Pashka seems to know about this, but he gives lately constantly, but it’s inconvenient for me to tell him to bring roses. And in general, he became so strange. He’s walking around happy, as if he’s won some prize...”
Here it is! Dear wives, if your chosen one suddenly begins to forget some important little things from your common past, do not ignore it. And if, moreover, out of the blue he fell into the mood of the bouquet and candy period of his life - even more so. Sonya, 36 years old
LOOKING FOR A REASON TO FIGHT
Mine usually just lied. When he was about to leave the house to go on a date with me, he began to find fault with his wife and look for a reason to quarrel, so that under the guise that he was “fed up,” he would leave. Usually, when asked by his wife where he was soaping himself, he answered: “To his mistress.” And the wife calmed down, well, she never believed it. Sometimes you get cunning husbands, and the more cunning, the more trusting their wives. And my white hair got caught in the car a couple of times, and the seat was pushed back, and he lied with all his blue eyes that he didn’t give anyone a lift, and she, they say, has glitches. And she believed it! Oksana, 32 years old
NEW TECHNIQUES IN BED
I had a very sexy man, so advanced in bed. I allowed him everything. I have some erotic habits, my own style. He once admitted to me that he started trying these habits with his wife. I was scared (I didn’t want to fight him off, I’m married myself): “So she’ll understand that you have someone!” And he quickly stopped. So if your husband suddenly suddenly changes his usual behavior in bed, you should pay attention to this. And one more thing: we had a strict schedule of meetings, three times a week, he taught his wife that he had business at that time. One day I couldn't meet him. But he still didn’t go home, he wandered somewhere so as not to arouse his wife’s suspicions! Lina, 30 years old
These were tips for wives from mistresses. We hope you never need them.
Once upon a time, lovers were people who experienced violent or tender passion for each other. Often they did not even have to enter into a sexual relationship; a touching, tender relationship with each other was enough for them.
This was the reason for writing surprisingly touching or powerful literary works, emergence romantic stories. And quite imperceptibly, the status of such a person moved from the beautiful, sublime to the mundane and forbidden, leaving only a physical connection instead of a spiritual one. And now such connections appear in life out of boredom, curiosity or drama.
Statistics say that the average age of a representative of the fairer sex when she gets a partner on the side is usually 30 years or more. Why do women have lovers? The psychology of men and women is completely different in a situation where someone appears on the side.
For men, cheating is a search for something new, still unknown, a kind of variety. For a woman, these are attempts to make up for what her man does not provide, be it financial, emotional or any other need. And very often beautiful ladies cheat out of despair.
It happens that the husband does not even understand what is happening, because at this time his wife behaves almost impeccably. She is a wonderful housewife, she takes better care of herself and looks better, she is always in a great mood and has fewer complaints about her husband. Even self-esteem becomes higher.
And this is so because she is no longer so attached to her man and is not afraid of losing him, because she is already enjoying the connection on the side. And since there she already gets enough of what she needs, married to her partner, she is no longer so dependent on him.
Frequent reasons for the appearance of a lover
Why does a woman take a lover? Let's figure out what pushes her to cheat
- Boredom. If the husband does not devote time to her, is completely occupied with his own affairs, no matter how important they may be, his wife will look for entertainment at this time, especially if she does not work and spends most of her time at home. The more he withdraws into his life, the more likely it is that his wife will begin to build her own life at this time, and with each passing month they will move further away from each other.
- Sexual dissatisfaction. There are few people for whom the monotony of their sex life will not interfere with their marriage. When people know each other so well that they can predict every subsequent action, every word, it becomes uninteresting, the effect of novelty in the relationship disappears. Movements become automatic, become learned and devoid of emotion. Irritation accumulates and the search for satisfaction begins.
- Conquest of a new object. Among the female sex there are hunters no worse than men. In the traditional sense, we see the hunter in a man. but there are ladies who need to constantly test their feminine charms, constantly assert themselves in their role as an indestructible goddess, bringing crowds of admirers to their feet with one glance. Then a new friend will be natural and inevitable, it’s only a matter of time. Moreover, the result is sometimes not as interesting as the process itself.
- Curiosity. Why does a married woman need a lover, if not to satisfy her eternal curiosity? When you can’t, it’s a hundred times more interesting, even if in reality not everything is so tempting, but the ban itself gives the spice of victory.
- Financial side. It doesn’t sound very nice, but a gentleman can give his beloved such gifts and material support that his spouse will not be able to. Moreover, considering his wife as his property, on which he can no longer spend much money. Not like a new loved one - who strives to keep his girlfriend and spends, sometimes excessively.
There are actually many reasons why a lady who is already married needs a lover, and they are diverse: emotional, social, everyday, sexual and others.
If she is looking for something missing on the side, has she already tried everything? to get it in the family? Does her husband know her needs? Is he able to satisfy them, being physically healthy and mentally sound? Are the needs of the lady herself overestimated, for whom, no matter how much everything she receives, there will always be not enough? If a friend gives what her husband does not give, what keeps her close to her legal partner and why doesn’t she try to solve her difficulties with her husband, so as not to rush, like an anesthetic, into an affair with another? There are a lot of questions on this topic, a good part of them are rhetorical.
Married women, when they rush into an affair on the side, prefer that their married lover become their partner - this way she will protect herself from unnecessary squabbles, promises that she cannot keep, and claims on his part.
Some statistics
- 57% of girls who had relationships outside the family had feelings for their partners, even love. The same cannot be said about men who have connections on the side.
- Ladies who work full time in an office are more likely to have a lover than housewives or people who work from home.
- Before turning 40, 47% of office-working wives and 27% of non-office workers had an affair outside of marriage. Moreover, 57% of working women first met their non-spouse at work.
Pros and cons of having a lover
Why do wives have affairs outside of marriage and what does it give them, and most importantly, what risks does it involve for them and their marriage.
- It takes a lot of effort to hide a friend from his family.
- You need to constantly look after yourself, your appearance, behavior, play with passionate feelings, control your diary in order to plan meetings with your loved one unnoticed.
- A constant, enduring feeling of anxiety that this may become known to people significant to you at any, most unexpected moment.
- The possibility of catching something unpleasant (in terms of sexually transmitted diseases), the risk of becoming pregnant from a new partner. In the end, sex may not be as good as expected, or it may turn into the same routine that awaits you at home, in bed with your spouse.
- And the most painful risk is the possibility of destroying your marriage irreversibly. Husbands are not always able to forgive their wives and accept her after a stranger; there remains the risk of never washing away the stain in their future life together.
Conclusions
Why married woman maybe commit adultery? The reason for this may be disappointment in the partner, in one’s own choice, in the feelings that have arisen. Or a too early marriage, when at first they were completely different people, but over time they turned out to be so strangers to each other that it turned out to be impossible to change anything.
A wife always experiences her loneliness very hard, even if her husband is next to her. Physically, but not present in her inner life. She can throw out her dissatisfaction by going to some thematic forum of offended wives, but someday it will seem to her that this is not enough, and then he will appear. After all, why would a woman who is completely satisfied family life, look for some feelings and connections outside of her? Will she need someone else if she is happy with her partner here and now?
If you analyze the reasons why they have lovers and try to understand what can be done about it, then it is quite possible to improve your married life. It is important to be open and talk about your dissatisfaction, grievances, and expectations.
Hello! I read many questions here, and my problem was not very similar. We have been married for 9 years, we are 35, we have a 6-year-old daughter. About three months ago I discovered that my wife was communicating and dating married man. After my questions, my wife told me that this was her friend, that they used to have a passionate relationship, but when his and our children got sick, they faded away. But after my pressure on my wife and him, their love flared up again. My wife did not cheat on me with him, but he says that only my wife can decide to interrupt communication, he is not going to get a divorce, and she knows about it, and that I should change myself. Now I’m trying to change, I realized what my mistakes were. But the wife is completely confused and cannot decide what to do. He seems to have dissuaded her from divorce, but she is now in a stupor, she says that she doesn’t need anything right now, and she doesn’t yet know what she needs. Please tell me what to do and what I should do to get her back. I love her and I’m ready to even turn the world upside down so that everything is fine in our family!
Vlad, Novosibirsk, 35 years old
Art psychologist's answer:
Hello, Vlad.
You yourself have already answered your question absolutely correctly, wisely and clearly: firstly, you write that you have realized your mistakes and are ready to correct yourself. Secondly, you are dissuading your wife from divorce and have already almost dissuaded her. Thirdly, you are ready to “turn the world upside down” just to be with her. So this is exactly how you need to act: 1) Watch yourself - watch your behavior, don’t make the very mistakes you write about, if you really change, a woman will definitely notice it, feel it and be able to appreciate it, if you haven’t already indifferent to her. 2) “Turn the world around” - take care, come up with something - trips, hikes, vacations. Invite her to do something that she has long wanted (for example, a renovation, attending an event, a trip, a car, a fur coat - dream up). Women really love men to express their love not only with words, but also with actions. You have been together for a long time, so attention and courtship will already be a good deed. A woman is very “bribed” by such things - in the good sense of the word, in the psychological sense - it seems to her that she is a Woman with a capital W, that she is admired, loved, and valued. Let's let her understand this. 3) Try to keep " healthy balance"in your intentions to win her again. On the one hand, you need to control yourself, not get upset over trifles when something is wrong, do not put pressure on her until she makes a decision completely, give her time. But, with On the other hand, with all your friendly attitude towards her, try to maintain your dignity - act seriously and confidently, do not become a hostage to her whims and her indecision about your life together. And one more thing: do not be too afraid that your wife may leave you. any moment, as a rule, in such situations this happens extremely rarely. That man is not going to get a divorce, where should she go, to whom and why, in general, you have a child, and even if you change for the better, will you be for it? to look after her - why should she run away into some kind of unknown? She will feel sorry for the child, she will not forget herself, and there is a very high probability that everything will gradually improve. Only if you really change and constantly show her your love, and she decides to save the family, then it will be possible to “demand” from her (again in a gentle and correct form) fidelity, honesty - your joint relationship has begun new life- that means it has begun, there should no longer be any men from the past in it. I will also send you my articles on this topic. Good luck and patience!
Sincerely, Maria Pugacheva.
Society usually makes fun of men whose wives cheat on them.
How can we explain the fact that some husbands themselves persuade their spouses to have a lover?
Who are cuckold and sequaif?
If we talk in simple language, then a cuckold is a man who likes the fact that someone else is having sex with his wife. Sexwife is a woman who agrees to such experiments.
Cuckolds behave completely differently. Someone needs to see the whole process of betrayal. Some people enjoy watching their wife get ready for a date and then demand juicy details of the meeting.
The journalist visited several thematic forums and public pages on social networks. And this is what cuckolds and sexwives write about:
“I need advice. My wife is a sexy blonde with big breasts. She loves sex and is simply excellent in bed. Home shy. But we love to fantasize. Recently I told her that in their youth many guys look at sexy “aunts” like her. Especially after the army.
This made my wife very excited. And I find myself thinking that I would love to watch her have sex with a guy of 18–20 years old. Who has had this experience, tell me how best to organize everything? How do you even find an adequate lover?
“I brought my beloved. I’m sitting and waiting in the car at the entrance. I watch people walking down the street and not suspecting anything. I'm all on pins and needles.
I’m waiting for the entrance door to open and my wife comes out with a happy, tired face and gets into the car. I know that later you will read this here. I love you very much, my slut.”
“We are a loving family. We are looking for a man strictly up to 30 years old. Adequate, athletic build, with a penis larger than 18 centimeters. VERY IMPORTANT: certificate of absence of STDs and certificate of absence of HIV and AIDS.
My wife is a gorgeous brunette. She loves blowjobs without condoms, so we need some information.”
“I’m looking for a wife on the topic. My ideas about marriage: I’m in a chastity belt, I do all the women’s housework, and besides that, I earn money. Sex is forbidden to me, only to caress my wife with my tongue at her request and jerk off once a week.
The wife is resting, minding her own business, meeting with friends and lovers. Write if you are interested."
Posts on thematic forums and social networks
The journalist talked about the phenomenon of cuckolding and sexwife with sexologist Maxim Viktorovich Starovoitov.
- How can we explain the appearance of cuckolds from the point of view of psychology and sexology?
There is a theory of masculinity and femininity, which defines some masculine and feminine traits. A cuckold is a man endowed with some feminine traits. He suffers from a certain masculine component. Therefore, such individuals are characterized by sexual behavior when they take a passive position.
The desire to be humiliated also relates to sadomasochism. After all, masochism does not necessarily mean whips and gags. Moral humiliation is one of the manifestations of dominance of one partner over another.
We can also talk about voyeurism if a man needs to watch his wife having sex with another. If only in this case a person is able to experience sexual satisfaction, we can say that he has a disorder of sexual preference.
Why are some men endowed with feminine traits? This means that there was a violation of psychosexual development in the process of growing up. The factors that influenced this can be very different.
Posts on thematic forums and social networks
I talked to some couples where similar sexual experiments are practiced. In one case, the husband refused to have sex with his wife altogether, saying that he was not worthy of it.
In this case, the husband’s bisexual orientation is visible. He is not really interested in having sex with his wife himself. This does not bring sufficient satisfaction - it turns out to be some kind of mechanical action that does not deliver vivid sensations.
Therefore, he is looking for a lover for his wife - this is a way to make his bisexuality “legitimate.” After all, in our society now same-sex lovers are condemned. Because of this, men try to ignore their real preferences and start a family in order to live a “normal” life. But this “normality” does not bring them much pleasure.
Please note: many cuckolds choose their own lover for their wife. They don't give her the right to choose. It turns out that the wife’s opinion fades into the background. And, by and large, cuckolds choose a sexual object for themselves.
- Does the fact that many advertisements indicate the desired size of a lover’s penis have anything to do with this?
Penis size is a fetish that emphasizes a partner's masculinity. So that the cuckold can feel his feminine role, he looks for a lover who has a larger penis.
Returning to the topic of sadomasochism - the knowledge that the wife's lover has a large penis allows the husband to feel even more humiliated.
- Can we say that insecure men become cuckolds?
No. Self-confidence is a personal quality. Sexual preferences are influenced not by personal qualities, but by basic aspects of sexual development.
A successful businessman who is 100% confident in himself and his abilities may well be a cuckold. Sexuality has nothing to do with a person’s work or social activities. Therefore, it is impossible to draw a portrait of the average cuckold - it could be anyone.
- How normal is such a distortion of sexuality?
Depends on from the standpoint of which norm you look at. There are three variants of the norm: individual, partner and social. In the first case, a person’s personal sexual needs are taken into account. If he can implement them, everything is fine.
In the second case, we are already talking about the sexual needs of the couple. If both partners are fully capable, then there is no problem either.
Well, from the point of view social norm, such a phenomenon as cuckolding is condemned and considered abnormal. For most people, the situation is absurd when a person wants to be betrayed.
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- Here’s another situation: a young man goes to visit a couple. He has sex with his wife in front of her husband.
But the cuckold is very jealous of the lover’s wife and does not allow them to be alone for a minute. If the husband needs to go to the toilet, he takes his lover with him.
In this case, the husband has certain problems that would be worth contacting a specialist.
I will explain using the example of homosexuality. It is not a disease and does not need correction. But if a person cannot accept this orientation and he has a powerful internal conflict, then it is necessary to resolve the issue with the help of experts.
Jealousy is a negative feeling and should not be associated with sexual arousal. The husband in the story you told also cannot accept himself. On the one hand, he wants to be betrayed, on the other hand, this is still very unpleasant for him. And he needs to consult a sexologist.
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- Why is the number of cuckolds actively increasing now?
There have always been men and women with abnormal sexual behavior. There are no more or less of them - in any society the percentage is approximately the same. But when the threshold of tolerance increases in society, it is easier for people to overcome the moral barrier and realize their sexual needs.
Plus, now, to understand how large-scale the phenomenon of cuckolding is, just go to a thematic forum or groups on social networks. And half a century ago, how could anyone even know that there are husbands who persuade their wives to cheat?
What should a woman do if her husband asks her to have a lover? Agree to save the family? Or, on the contrary, immediately file for divorce?
My opinion is this: any family where there is abnormal development of sexuality should seek help from a specialist - a sexologist or family psychotherapist.
In principle, there can be harmony in the family of a cuckold. But only if the woman has the same distortion of sexuality. If, in order to please her husband, she needs to break herself and remake her moral principles, nothing good will come of it. This will cause internal tension and mental discomfort for her. All this will affect not only family, but also social relationships - the woman feels that society condemns such behavior. She will have to live with a feeling of shame.
In women, distortion of sexuality is less common. Of those people who have problems with this, 90% are men. There is a theory that men are more changeable because they are responsible for the development of the species, and because they are responsible for its preservation.
It may also be that the idea of having a lover for your wife is a tribute to fashion. The thought of this excites, and the husband thinks: “Why not try?” It is likely that in this case the sexual experiment for the family will end tragically - neither the wife nor the husband will be able to forgive each other for this.
Only a specialist will help the spouses understand what is really going on in their couple. So a woman should decide whether to support absolutely all of her husband’s erotic desires after consulting with an expert.
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