Jokes about the stock exchange and jokes about the stock market. Forex jokes and jokes from traders The incident with a colleague

Wall Street Stories

Wall Street Stories

One enterprising and successful Wall Street trader hung a horseshoe above his desk “for good luck.” Colleagues laugh: “Boy, do you really believe in such prejudices?!” “Well, of course not. But they say this thing works whether you believe in it or not!”

In New York, three homeless beggars are sitting on Wall Street. The food is bad. One found a piece of cardboard and wrote “homeless” on it. By evening they gave him 3 dollars 5 cents. The second one took a piece of cardboard and wrote: “bum.com.” By evening he had a laptop and a 256K channel. And a third wrote: “e-bum.” Microsoft immediately awarded him a million-dollar contract to develop an e-commerce project called “e-bum-Millennium.” By evening, all of New York was talking about him. Oracle announced 100% support for e-bum technology. VISA and Europay announced the start of promotion of joint brands with the e-bum company. Overnight, the companies "HighTech-e-bum", "CyberBroker-e-bum", "OnLineTrader-e-bum" and "Mobil-e-bum-Telecom" were urgently created. In the morning, on stock exchanges around the world there was a collapse of all non-e-bum companies....

IN financial company a new trader gets a job. At the interview he is asked: - Why were you fired from your previous job? - For health reasons. - What were you sick with? - My boss was sick, not me. Every time he saw the results of my work, he felt bad. This couldn't go on for long; one of us had to leave.

A stock market analyst died in extreme poverty in New York. His comrades, brokers and traders, decided to organize a fundraiser for the poor fellow's funeral. One buck each. Upon learning of this, the President of the New York Stock Exchange exclaimed: "One dollar for the funeral of an analyst?!!! Here's a check for $10,000 and bury them all!"

The famous American banker John P. Morgan in 1929, a few days before the stock market crash, managed to get rid of almost all the shares he owned. A US Congressional Commission suspected Morgan of using insider information and market manipulation. The banker explained that he was helped to save his capital from the crisis by a shoe shiner who, while cleaning his shoes, inquired about the prospects of the shares of the railway company that he had bought. “When a shoe shiner comes to the market, professionals have nothing else to do,” the financier decided.

A broker at a small investment company, reading the latest financial news, says to his colleague: “Look, another financial giant fell, and this one also closed down, ... and that one went bankrupt.” So we will soon be among the top ten.

Announcement: We will hire a trader, gender and age do not matter, the salary is very high, a flexible work schedule, vacation - anywhere in the world, at any time. Condition: Buy cheaper, sell more expensive.

New York. Noon. Heat. Old Jew Moishe sells sunflower seeds on the marble stairs of the Bank of New York. They turn to him: “Moishe. Lend me.” “It’s not possible,” he replies. “We have an agreement with the Bank of New York.” “Oh, Moishe, leave it, you can’t have an agreement, you see - an agreement, but tell me what agreement?” “I don’t lend money, and the Bank of New York doesn’t sell seeds!”

Forex jokes and jokes of traders

A trader came to a palm reader: “You determine the future by lines, right?” - Yes, of course, I determine everything: past, present and future. “Great,” said the trader and laid out a stack of printouts of stock charts in front of him.

In a financial company:

I heard your trader hanged himself. I want to take his place.

Director: - So you should not come to me, but to the director of the cemetery.

The trader was summoned to the tax office. - Here you indicated in your income statement for last year thatyou earned ten thousand, and, according to our data, you spent at least a million during this time. What is thisMeans? - What do you mean... I can’t make ends meet!

In the life of a securities speculator, the day may one day come when any security becomes valuable.

A mathematician is asked: - what is the probability that if you go out into the street now you will meet Napoleon?
The mathematician surrounded himself with reference books, calculators, computers, locked himself in a room for three days and gaveanswer: - approximately 0.000001 percent.

The same question was asked to an experienced trader. The answer followedimmediately: - 50/50, either we will meet or we will not meet.

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2030: two trading robots are talking.

First: - Imagine, the other day I met a man who successfully trades on the stock exchange. I want to put him in charge my assets.

Are you crazy?! Putting a person into trading means you're obviously infected with viruses, get checked!

Oh, this carry trade! - I understand you so well! - No, you don’t understand! - I understand perfectly. - You don’t understand, you don’t even have a deposit. - Yesterday it was!!!
A trader is rushing along the highway on a racing motorcycle: he overtook one car - showed the fact, overtook another -showed the fact several times. Approaching a railway crossing, and there a semaphore signals its approachtrains. The trader slams on the brakes, but does not have time to stop and exactly runs into the closing barrier.
The motorcycle flies out from under him and under the train and turns into a cake. A trader hangs on the barrier and thinks:“No need for forced closure...”

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London, City, seven o'clock in the morning, the hall of a large office building. There are traders on the ground floor near the elevatorand analyst. The elevator arrives and the doors open. The trader asks: “Well, now, up or down?”

Two traders meet. One asks the other: “Who are you, a bull or a bear?” The second one, looking at him with sad eyes, said: “Yes, I’m a goat, a goat...

Lieutenant Rzhevsky asks Natasha Rostova: - Natasha, would you give yourself up for 100 dollars? - Naturally,lieutenant... - And for 100 rubles? - Ugh, lieutenant, what a vulgar person you are. - No, I was just clarifying the spread.

• What is the difference between praying in a church and in a dealing room?
• Those in the dealing room do it much more sincerely.

An unemployed broker selling potatoes at the market is always easy to recognize - he has two prices: for buying and for sale...

Jokes about the stock exchange and jokes about the stock market

What is this, again, a breakdown of a fractal according to DeMark through Fibonacci!!! - thought the trader and swore dirty.

A stockbroker is asked to explain the essence of the stock market game. “Imagine,” he says, “that you buy a couple of rabbits and put them in one cage. After some time, you already have six rabbits. You buy a bigger cage and move them there. After some time, you already have twenty of these rabbits. Buy more rabbits and soon you will have more than a hundred of them. - How simple! - the interlocutor is surprised. - Yes... And then suddenly there is a flood, and all your rabbits died and you suffer from morning to night with the thought: “Damn it, why didn’t I buy mirror carp!”

How to play and win on the stock exchange

First Rule of the Exchange. Who knows - does not say, who speaks - does not know. Second Rule of the Exchange. If everyone thinks that prices will rise, prices will not rise.

A hero trader is driving along the road, he sees a fork ahead, three roads, a stone, and on the stone there is an inscription:
“If you go to the left, you’ll get a moose; if you go to the right, you’ll get a moose; if you go straight, you’ll also get a moose.” I began to think about where to go if there was such an ambush everywhere. There’s a voice from above: “Hey, decide quickly, otherwise you’ll get a moose right here!!!”

A mountain shepherd is standing, tending sheep. Suddenly, the turntable lands, a young man comes out,impeccable suit and tie. “Are you a shepherd?” Silence. “I want to tell you that you are herding the sheep incorrectly.” Look... He takes out his laptop and connects to the satellite. - Do you see? Here's a picture. Here you can clearly see that behind that slope the grass is greener and lush. YouDo you agree? I see that they agree. You need to drive the flock here. Would you like to have your transportation routes selected? Please! There are three routes. I answer right away that you cannot go along this route: you see, there are wolves here.
Of the remaining two, this one is shorter, which means you’ll like it. As a fee, I take one sheep... And he goes to the helicopter, but suddenly hears: - You, you’ve probably been doing consulting for a long time... - Yes, but how do you know? called Secondly, you ask the questions yourself and answer them yourself. Thirdly, place the sabaku on the place...

WHAT IS THE FOREX MARKET

Three economic analysts on the hunt. They see a big deer. One takes aim, shoots, misses - a meter to the left. The second one takes aim, shoots, misses a meter to the right. The third analyst, without shooting: “Well, on average we killed him!”

The analyst is asked: - Tell me, do your forecasts always coincide? - Of course, always, only the dates sometimes don’t coincide...

Two traders went on a trip in a hot air balloon. Suddenly a strong wind blew up, and the friends lost their course. Having descended to a height of 20 meters, they saw a man below: - Hey, buddy, tell me, where did we end up? - You are in a hot air balloon 20 meters above the ground. - The answer is absolutely accurate and completely useless. Looks like we've met a stock analyst?! - Yes. And you, probably traders, you never know where you are.

2 financial analysts meet: - Listen, what’s going on? - I can explain... - I can explain too. WHAT IS HAPPENING???!!!

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Why did you decide to work on the stock exchange? Do you have experience or economic education? - Well, I watched “The Wolf of Wall Street.”

Dad, I want to be a trader.

Only over my corpse.

Well, in general, I have already lost 100 pieces on the exchange...

The daughter says to her mother - Mom, I’m marrying a trader!
Mother - Are you crazy, daughter, today he’s rich, and tomorrow he’s poor, he’s always better off as an analyst
"chocolate"!

The trader returned home drunk after the party and said to his wife: “Bring me the basin, I’m going to puke.” The wife brought a basin, set it up and waited, 5 minutes passed, she: - Well, come on already. - Sorry, dear, but the trend has turned sharply - I crap myself!

John Rockefeller dreamed of earning $100 thousand and living to be 100... but he earned $318 billion and died at 97. Not all dreams come true...

A Jewish banker has died. Relatives are swarming around the coffin. It's time to start the funeral process, but they still don't stop their fuss. The manager enters the room. Manager: - what's the problem? It's time to start. One of the relatives: - oh, you understand, the late Izya Markovich in his will asked all his money to be put in his coffin. We've already compacted them, but they still don't fit. Manager: - oh, sho, you don’t know what to do? Write him a check!

A journalist asks Soros:

George, did your wife give you these horns?

No... stock exchange...

- Did you play for promotion?

No... I caught the "moose"

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Two traders come out of the exchange, one wearing only shorts, the other completely naked. Naked says to the one inpanties: -Here is Vasya, for which I respect you, you can stop in time.

What is default? Default is when you order a currency prostitute who also charges in hryvnias at the exchange rate, and after one hour there are not enough hryvnias to pay.

The trader is lying on the couch, doing nothing, laziness, in short. Lost the day before to dust... For colaflew out... He can no longer move... He lies down and looks out the open window. And he thinks: “If a fly flies into the window within a minute, then I will become rich and great...” He waits... half a minute passes... doesn’t fly... 45 seconds pass...
The man is already nervously swinging his leg... 50 seconds pass, he is already sweating... And then at the 53rd second such a fat fly flies in... Trader smiled contentedly, sighed with relief, closed his eyes and fell asleep...

A new Russian attended lectures on stock trading and calls a friend: - Kolyan, I took a course on stock trading, so can you imagine, the lecturer said that stocks don’t grow without
kickbacks. It turns out that here, too, you will have to spend money on kickbacks - complete chaos!

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It's nice to look at the sea! You look at the shore and there is rollback after rollback...

Spring dialogue. - Has anyone noticed the connection between air temperature and the dollar exchange rate? - But there is a connection between the dollar exchange rate and cranial pressure and adrenal function...

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Two traders are standing near the toilet and one asks the other: “Are you long or short?”

Two stock speculators: - Now I can’t sleep because of this crisis. - And I sleep like a child. - Can't be! - Yes, I wake up and cry every hour!

- Hello Vladimir!
I frantically finish my chewing and mumble into the phone...
- Alo-alo, Vladimir, can you hear me?
I'm almost finished...
- Vladimir, why are you silent?
I finally finished and say:
- Mouth is busy)
The client simply killed me on the spot, he asked:
– FOR LONG???
Just like that, then we laughed for a long time)))

History in the fitness center

My story: I am a sales manager at a fitness center. An ordinary working day, I go out to meet the client, show the club, present the club cards... After a short conversation, one might say, at the moment of making a decision, the client carefully asks me: “When will it be possible to discuss my purchase with the manager, I would like to talk to him too chat?"

P.S.: In the evening, when I took off my badge, I saw that it was not mine. It was written there: “Irina, massage therapist.” Apparently she left it on my table, this happens here...

Case with a colleague

The incident happened to my colleague. As a rule, managers have at hand in addition to a telephone and email There are a number of different messengers.

There are quite a lot of contacts, and this is one of the most quick ways respond to the client's question. So, one working day, my colleague received a question on ICQ about a request for components. The question came from a friend named Igor. My colleague received exactly the same request via email this morning. mail.

My colleague has a friend who works in the same field as us, and his name is Igor. 100% sure that this request was from his client, my colleague writes to his friend in ICQ that he received this request from the client today, and why, in fact, he is interested in this request. To which he received an answer that it was he who sent this request and decided to clarify how things were progressing there.

My colleague was a little confused, but refused to capitulate. Being an impulsive person (and communication with a friend was informal), my colleague, feeling that he was being scammed, went on the offensive. With the words “Why are you here for me…. Look, it’s definitely not you who sent this request,” he unleashed a bunch of indignation on Igor. But on the other side of the screen there was a response wave of indignation, saying this and that, yes, I sent it, etc. with the same turns and embellishments of Russian speech.

Ten minutes of verbal skirmish could have continued for a long time, but then my colleague received a message in ICQ and the window blinked. Opening it, he saw that his friend Igor had written to him, and on the other side of the screen was the client who was sending the request. This is where the realization of what happened came. After all, yesterday my colleague, sending contacts to a new client after tel. call, indicated one of the means of communication - ICQ. The client decided to quickly resolve the issue, but that was not the case... 😀 I had to, of course, apologize to the chief engineer of the enterprise, Igor Petrovich, but this is one of our best customers.